Thrasher Magazine

The C1RCA team hit the highway for another spirited skateboarding adventure and, as usual, nobody had any idea whatsoever of what to write about once they got home. Hey, no big deal. This sort of amnesia is pandemic among modern skateboard media. Anyway, we have the cure over at the Bible—just look for the funniest dude in the van and pin it all on him. This technique is known as the “Gerwer Gambit,” and it sometimes even works. And, so as not to put any more effort into this thing than the actual paid journalists did, we present a do’s and don’ts list we had Jimmy Carlin text over the day before this thing was due at press. Thanks, Jimmy! Enjoy!

This is a skate trip not a cat walk. If you like hats bring one. If you like video games bring a Gameboy. Keep your bag as small as possible.

Got a tree you need kickflipped or a tour article written? You could do a lot worse than Jimmy Carlin

Live by the rule of SIYOS. This stands for Stay in Your Own Seat and it is crucial. From the psychosis that emerges from, “Where’s my weed?!?!” to the, “Where did my wallet go?!?!” these are common scenarios that happen and no one is to blame but yourself if you are not keeping consistent with your seating. Well, technically there are two to blame. SIYOS and there won’t be any problems.

As long as there is no scary, yodeling hip-hop, Trump music or Dane Cook comedy hour everything will be just fine.

Gravette brings his ample handrail skills and a change of undies. All he needs

Eat bananas and nuts. I wouldn’t recommend eating a fast food meal unless you have to. No one wants to be the guy that says, “Can we come back to this spot tomorrow, because my tum-tum hurts.” Upset tum-tums from poor diets have been a standard plague for many on skate trips, including myself, sadly.

If this was a Heelflip Rules article Neen Williams might actually be overqualified. Sailing strong on a five-down, three-up

I like when people bring dogs on a skate trip. I would love to see someone bring a cat, though. You could sabotage your teammates to get sick! It seems everyone and their daddy is allergic to those fuzzy things. You would be the “I-feel-great-today-let’s-go-to-my-spot!” supervillain.

Kirby don’t follow no rules, he just rules in general. Nosegrab hippy twist at good ol’ Winona

Everyone smells, including yourself. You’re in a van most of the time and your actual downtime is in the same van or another Bunghole Inn. There is nothing majestic about yourself in these living situations which also goes for the troglodyte that wants to hook up with you. If you must, please wear a condom.

Bring your own tool but lie to everyone and say you don’t have one unless you are at a spot and someone actually needs to use it. Don’t give it out at the Bunghole Inn. It will be gone forever. And pre-grip your boards before the trip so you don’t waste half the day looking for a razor blade.

After all the handrail hell Cole Wilson has braved in the last few months, this curved crooks must’ve felt like a freakin’ vacation

I honestly haven’t drank alcohol for a few months. It makes me feel crappy in the morning, because I am 31 and it’s supposed to. I see a lot of people drinking and it seems to not affect them the same way. Just “do you” I guess.

You’ve decided to get naked on your walk home with your buddies from the bar? Sure, go for it—at your own risk! I wouldn’t sleep naked on these trips. I would think that the creatures that have slept in the hotel beds before you on these types of trips are a lot different than the ones who have slept in the hotel beds of, let’s say, a Nike trip. Keep your pants on. And avoid the comforter at all costs.

Big Rig Robbie Brockel gives this rail a sporting chance, attacking it from the side without stairs on a tall NBS

I don’t like to be rushed when using the bathroom. It’s hard enough to go number two when traveling, so why rush it? This is what I do: I take a shower at night, wake up and drink a few cups of coffee in the lobby. Next, find out if everyone is eating at a Starbucks or a sit-down restaurant. If it’s Starbucks, use the lobby bathroom while everyone else is getting ready to meet at the van. If it’s a sit-down restaurant, order your food then go use the bathroom. Usually by the time I come out of the bathroom the server has just put my meal at the table. This allows your 
roommate the bathroom to himself in the morning and you have the right to 
your throne in the evenings.

Off the hip, over the canyon, Kirby one-ups the hottest spot in the ABQ with a kickflip no less

Frodo is good at gaps and not rails. Gandalf is good at rails and not gaps. Frodo shouldn’t try switch double laser heels down the gap Gandalf wants to skate and Gandalf shouldn’t try nollie heel Smith body varial out on the rail Frodo wants to skate. Though there is always the Smeagol who is good at everything and thinks every spot is as precious to them as the last and their hunger for the next precious keeps them trying tricks all day and all night, sometimes you’ve gotta just sit down and let the other guy have a shot. Whatever. Just remember—you are all precious in my eyes.

Newer guy Jack Olson, off the phone, blasting a switch varial heel. When in doubt, listen to Jimmy

Try not to compare how bad this trip was compared to the other trip you went on. Enjoy it for what it is. 

Get off the phone with your girlfriend because they will make your trip not as enjoyable as it could be. Trust me. 
I have experienced this before. Get along with people. 
Life is bigger than your skateboard maneuvers. Remember that there are a lot of people stoked to see you, hang out with you and skate with you so have fun and don’t be weird about it. That’s all. Thanks for listening! —Jimmy

Life is bigger than skate tricks, but Kirby’s El Paso bluntslide is still pretty damn ginormous. Yer killin’ it, Kirb-Dawg