Zodiac Signs of Skateboarding 2018

3/29/2018

Intro words by Adam Creagan | Illustrations by Michael Sieben

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? Would you believe a vast web of cosmic connections involving our solar system (and the stars beyond), affected your every minute? That’s right, whether this day brings you morning wood, wheelbite, an NBD, an STD, or just barfing up a burrito, all these things are influenced by your galactic gang-sign: the Zodiac.

You know the deal, astrology is the ancient pseudoscience that claims your character and destiny are understood by how the universe was aligned when you landed your very first make: a roll-in from your mom’s womb. But frankly, this Zodiac garbage is as murky as Loch Ness. Supposedly, your sign will propel you through life and can predict the future. But mostly it will give you a point of reference to discriminate against those with other, more-shitty signs. And astrology’s broad predictions are so vague they apply to any primate who happens to read them. Roughly 625,000,000 people on Earth share your same Zodiac sign. So, you and over a half-billion other people are all synchronized star-children? Come on, man...

Does the cosmic tug and pull of these far-off fireballs (and our more neighborly planets) help shape our lives from birth? Let’s take a look at this re-polished turd from an old issue.

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AQUARIUS — The Water Bearer ( Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 )

Sign Traits: Your passive-aggressiveness is a treat to behold. It doesn't have the desired effect you seek at all. People actually get a kick out of it, dummy.

Predictions: The only "energy drink" that will sponsor you is Chevron gasoline. And it tastes fucking terrible. / You will nollie flip El Toro but no one sees it because you're wearing camouflage.

PISCES — The Two Fishes ( Feb. 20 - March. 20 )

Sign Traits: When you laugh, sometimes you start clapping; it’s totally unnecessary, almost infantile, really.

Predictions: A life-altering bad haircut is in your immediate future. But do not run from fate—destiny and Supercuts await.

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ARIES — The Ram ( March. 21 - April. 20 )

Sign Traits: When you get tossed something, you tend to not catch it. Your friends have noticed this for years and they get a little more bummed each time.

Predictions: You discover that Daan Van Der Linden’s name is the exact same spelled forward and backwards! And then you discover that’s not true at all.

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TAURUS — The Bull ( April. 21 - May. 21 )

Sign Traits: You’re known for tucking your T-shirt into your shorts, which is odd. And then you tuck your junk between your legs, which is even odder.

Predictions: The United Nations will designate your foot odor a banned weapon of chemical warfare. / You are forbidden from post-trick celebrations when you open-mouth kiss Shane O’Neill after he stomps a switch noseblunt.

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GEMINI — The Twins ( May. 22 - June. 21 )

Sign Traits: Your name got butchered in Photograffiti and to this day you think it cock-blocked your skate career. Hey, “Nard Shmuckle” is a common misspelling.

Predictions: Your internet commentary finally gets proper recognition when you win a Pulitzer Prize for Obnoxious Shit-Talking.

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CANCER — The Crab ( June. 22 - July. 22 )

Sign Traits: Within the grand cosmic mystery, Cancer is a distinct component of astrology. But here on Earth, Cancer is a malignant disease which kills millions. Your sign sucks, bro.

Predictions: You are soon going to find that this article is too long and has completely lost steam. Guaranteed.

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LEO — The Lion ( July. 23 - Aug. 22 )

Sign Traits: The global phenomenon of ripping female skaters has you feeling hella insecure (and yet strangely aroused).

Predictions: You will believe that you “accidently” got lost on the way to an empty pool. However, your friends deliberately gave you wrong directions.

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VIRGO — The Virgin ( Aug. 23 - Sep. 23 )

Sign Traits: Your yellow, coned-ass wheels betray the fact that you’re no “weekend warrior.”

Predictions: You will trespass onto Danny Way’s property in Hawaii, smoke some doobie, and accidently burn down his Mega-Ramp. He literally rips you in half.

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LIBRA — The Balance ( Sep. 24 - Oct. 23 )

Sign Traits: Whenever a homie offers a handshake, fist pound, or fist bump, you panic and always pick the wrong one.

Predictions: If you say “Was that switch?” one more time your Aunt will get diabetes.

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SCORPIO — The Scorpion ( Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 )

Sign Traits: You project energy—it practically jumps off you on to others, as does your head lice.

Predictions: In a jealous rage of his abilities, you pull a Tonya Harding and bash Jaws’ knee with an iron bar. Turns out he’s an alien made of rubber.

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SAGITTARIUS — The Centaur Archer ( Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 )

Sign Traits: You have a unique Andrew Reynolds style. Wait, no... we meant to say that you’re a complete Android Hemorrhoids pile.

Predictions: You finally get a shoe deal but it’s with Birkenstock sandals. And they pay you in hemp seed oil. / You find that missing chunk of Jamie Foy’s tooth in an Orange Julius smoothie and you return it.

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CAPRICORN — The Sea-Goat ( Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 )

Sign Traits: No offense, but you kind of look like a werewolf who got stuck halfway through its transformation.

Predictions: You will realize that astrology is easily discredited and an intellectually embarassing load of bullshit. Although, its symbols sure are cool looking.